On Masturbation

A “Jack Kerouac” refers to beating off while On the Road. ~ Urban Dictionary

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen

It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best name for it... should it become a habit it quickly destroys both health and spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, and often ends in a lunatic asylum. ~ Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell [closeted gay man and founder of the Boy Scouts]

If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter. ~ George Carlin

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities. ~ Les Claypool

Masturbation is a democratic pleasure, practiced by rich and poor, young and old, married and single. ~ Mason Cooley

This is a rumor-filled society and if people want to sit around and talk about whom I've dated, then I'd say they have a lot of spare time and should consider other topics... or masturbation. ~ Johnny Depp

I was an altar boy, a spokesperson for the Virgin Mary, I was a choirboy but then at the age of 14 I discovered masturbation and all that went out the window. ~ Guillermo Del Toro

Maybe in the 90s or possibly in the next century people will look upon the 80s as the age of masturbation, when it was taken to the limit; that might be all that's going on right now in a big way. ~ Bob Dylan

We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie. ~ Joycelyn Elders

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. ~ Craig Ferguson

The profuse phallic symbolism of chess provides some fantasy gratification of the homosexual wish, particularly the desire for mutual masturbation. ~ Reuben Fine

And it’s not like I’ve never jacked off. I’m fifteen years old. Of course I do it. Any guy who says he doesn’t is lying. That would be like having the coolest video game ever and never playing it. No one’s that stupid. ~ Michael Thomas Ford

What I like about masturbation is that you don’t have to talk afterwards. ~ Milos Forman

The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well. ~ Sigmund Freud

I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor. She told me, There's no masturbation in the DC Universe. To which my reaction was, Well, that explains a lot about the DC Universe. ~ Neil Gaiman

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. ~ Dana Gould

Masturbation is the thinking man’s television. ~ Christopher Hampton

You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island. ~ Ron Jeremy

You just sit home and masturbate. The phone is going to ring soon, but you just can't wait.
Billy Joel

Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! ~ James Joyce

The palm of his hand was a dull red. Not a good sign. I jerk off left-handed, he thought, at least that’s something. ~ Stephen King, The Drawing of the Three

Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work. ~ Karl Kraus

http://mentalfloss.com/article/32042/corn-flakes-were-invented-part-anti-masturbation-crusade

Masturbation is good for the right arm. ~ Daron Malakian

I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don't jerk off because I'm horny. I'm sort of half-chick. It's like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself. ~ John Mayer

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again. ~ Dennis Miller

The piano bar is the gateway to the halls of masturbation.
Henry Miller

Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you're with, but you can leave when you want to. ~ Dudley Moore

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.~ Patrick Murray

Masturbating is no more sinful than praying or meditating. ~ Abhijit Naskar

There will be others, many others. You’ll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder what the point of all this is, and also why you didn’t feel that staple you just sent into your thigh. You usually do. You’ll wonder what your company even does. After six years, you have no idea what an information system is, do you? Maybe you should ask. Maybe that’s how this ends. You’ll imagine how poetic it would be to simply unmute yourself and say, Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system? Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You masturbate during it. And it’s beautiful. Masturbating, invisible within your three-walled fortress. Invisible… invisible… practically invisible. ~ Colin Nissan

Everyone thinks their whole life should be at least as much fun as masturbation. My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true - I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone new. ~ Roddy Piper

When I'm all alone and I'm by myself, little Peter keeps me company. ~ Red Peters

If masturbation is a crime then I should be on death row. ~ Jeremy Piven

Wrap the turkey up In aluminum foil My brother likes to masturbate With baby oil. ~ Adam Sandler

We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people. The same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish, about slavery, about dinner, about farming, about menstruation, about virginity, about masturbation. ~ Dan Savage

When I got Writer's Block, I masturbated. ~ Takako Shimura

There are some socks that shouldn't be washed by your mom. ~ Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

You are red-faced at my speaking the truth. Another weird aspect of the human psyche. A perfectly normal human activity has to be kept under wraps. People don’t wonder at a couple kissing and holding hands in public, even approve of cuddling and love-making on screen, but they get their hackles up the moment they find that a guy has been at it, the taboo, the easiest, most concise form of pleasure a man can enjoy. ~ Rajeev Singh

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation. ~ Jon Stewart

Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, Give me masturbation or give me death. Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion. In another place this experienced observer has said, There are times when I prefer it to sodomy. Robinson Crusoe says, I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art. Queen Elizabeth said, It is the bulwark of virginity. Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush. The immortal Franklin has said, Masturbation is the best policy. Michelangelo and all of the other old masters — old masters, I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction — have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse. Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time: None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise. ~ Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Novels, except as aids to masturbation, play no part in contemporary life. ~ Gore Vidal

Masturbation is not the happiest form of sexuality, but the most advisable for him who wants to be alone and think. The hypocrisy of the sages has been to conceal their timid onanism and call it celibacy. ~ Robert Anton Wilson

I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self service pump. ~ Al Yankovic