Thanks to Scooter, I read an article from Cosmpolitan.com. I oughta kick his ass for that, but it was pretty funny in ways the writers didn’t intend. Honest-to-god, though, I feel really sorry for the girls who believe this crap. Here’s the lead-in to What His Down-There Grooming Says (August 2008)...
“Guys are paying closer attention to their below-the-waist ‘manscaping.’ And you should too: His trimming style can hint at the kind of boyfriend he’ll turn out to be.”
Notice that they start out assuming that “trimming” and “manscaping” are regular, ordinary, normal activities in the average guy’s life. It gets better.
They classify men according to whether, where, and how much they trim their pubic hair.
- Alpha Male: Doesn’t trim anything and thinks “maintenance” beyond shaving his face is gay. He’s traditional, chivalrous and doesn’t experiment much beyond the missionary position.
- Sweet & Lazy: Doesn’t trim, open to trying naughty moves if you take the lead as long as he doesn’t have to do too much work.
- Tidied Up: If you’re looking for a relationship, he’s the Jack Pot, trimming the pubic area just enough to look neat and clean, or “faux” (i.e., phony, false) natural. This guy is the type who calls when he says he will, knows what’s expected of him, and will be attentive without being over-the-top sensitive. Your wish is his command between the sheets. He’ll be conscious of what you like and how to satisfy you.
- Enhanced Package: A guy who shaves his testicles and hair around his shaft may be trying to make himself look bigger, which suggests that he’s insecure. [FINALLY, WE AGREE!] Could be a high-maintenance boyfriend who needs praise but his self-consciousness can benefit you in bed because he’s always aiming to better his technique and will try any ideas you introduce.
- Completely Bare: A man who is waxed or shaved so that he’s hairless has a wild side…and likely watches a lot of porn. Some guys start trimming because they hold porn as the gold standard of sex and want to emulate shaved stars. [WE AGREE AGAIN!!] In bed, anything goes including highly choreographed positions and every other stop on the train to
Incidentally, the pix illustrating these classifications go from a couple o’ guys prolly in their 20s to a couple who look like they might be teens, one mid and one just through puberty. We’ll come back to that.
The “expert” who’s quoted throughout to give it heft is a clinical psychologist, Dr. Belisa Vranich. Her credentials:
In 1999, Dr. Vranich was appointed as the Director of Public Education at the Mental Health Association of New York City. Dr. Vranich has worked extensively with violent parolees in Brooklyn and the
Dr. Vranich has wide-ranging experience in the media. She currently writes a weekly column for The New York Daily News and is a regular guest on Good Morning America, CNN and NBC as a psychological expert. Dr. Vranich has been profiled in Cosmopolitan, The LA Times, and the Wall Street Journal and is the author of The Seven Beliefs: A Step by Step Guide to help individuals recognize and overcome depression (2002, Harper Collins).
Dr. Vranich received her undergraduate degree from the
Wicked smart, awesome experience, right? Here’s where it gets a little iffy. She’s also a paid consultant for companies like Gold’s Gym Inc. that you might guess have a stake in the kind of advice she gives.
Actual examples of Dr. Vranich’s wisdom (she’s also an advice columnist for the New York Daily News) for girls trying to figure out if their boyfriend is cheating on them…
- The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive.
- He steps up the grooming. This is so obvious, but it's a sign many women miss. If your man starts grooming more without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's getting intimate with someone else.
- You can actually thank modern mass media for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his appearance, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He's spending more time at the gym.
Remember, she has “a deep understanding of the workings of the criminal mind.” And to me, making guys think there’s something wrong with being natural is criminal.
It’s a well-known fact that the shaved, buffed, waxed look was generated mainly by two industries: professional body-building and gay porn. One is a bunch of idiots with IQs smaller than their dicks, abusing their bodies and turning them into parodies of masculinity. The other is an old perv’s ideal of beautiful boys who never grow up and never develop body hair. (Okay, maybe they’re the same industry.) The “manscaping” bullshit is a leftover from the Bravo channel’s one-time hit, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.
Some guys who shave off their natural adornment may be embarrassed because the craze right now is for smooth. Or they may just like the way it looks and feels. Okay, we’ve most of us tried it at least once, usually when we didn’t know any better (I was 15), but it itched like hell growin’ back in. It can feel amazing when your balls are shaved and you have a ton o’ juice slathered all over ’em while they’re swingin’ back ‘n’ forth. But let’s be honest: it also feels amazing when you’re juiced up and your balls are swingin’ back ‘n’ forth in a totally hairy nutsack.
I’m a libertarian and as long as you don’t hurt anybody else, go for it. But don’t do it just because you’re following a craze or copying somebody with an agenda (remember Gold’s Gym). And sure as hell don’t do it because your girlfriend read this dumb-as-fuck article from Cosmo!
Hideously Ugly Muscle Freak
No comments:
Post a Comment