What's the difference between dudes who play and dudes who don't? About six beers.
Could it really be true that heterosexual males become homosexual after the consumption of only six alcoholic grain beverages?
Our scientific team decided to conduct an experiment to find the answer to this question. Read on for the results.
First, we needed two red-blooded all-American straight guys. We headed to the National Mall one Sunday and noticed a rugged touch-football game in progress. One particularly virile specimen appealed to us. We approached him and found out the following stats:
Name: Bill Wright, aka "Rusty"
Age: 26
Occupation: Policeman
Interests: Sports
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Girlfriend: Yes, Christie
Next we found a strapping young specimen playing frisbee with his Golden Retriever, Jedediah, and got the following info:
Name: Jason Ellenberg
Age: 21
Occupation: Communications Major, Georgetown
Interests: Sports
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Girlfriend: Dumped me for another girl! Can ya believe that, man?
Separately, we tempted both men with the promise of a six-pack of Budweiser Beer, Playboy Magazines and cable sports on television in return for participating in an undisclosed experiment at our scientific lab. Both men said yes and promptly arrived at our laboratory late that afternoon at six.
The strangers were introduced and immediately took a liking to each other as they both shared a common interest: sports. With our experiment successfully underway, we invited the men in where they were delighted to find a game on the tube. Before they could find out the score, Bill and Jason's eyes lit up like Christmas when one our trained lab assistants presented each of them with their very own six-pack of Budweiser beer. The joy each man was feeling was apparent. When Bill asked why we were being so generous, another trained lab technician told them to relax, make themselves at home and drink the six beers. Jason responded with a manly, "You betcha, dude. Yesssss!"
BEER ONE
The first beer found Bill and Jason rapping about their favorite subject: sports. With the consumption of the first beer, the men soon forgot about the game when they discovered the music of Boston, AC/DC and Aerowsmith right at their fingertips. Things were going smoothly until Bill and Jason found themselves in a slight disagreement over whether Stevie Nicks career got better or worse after Fleetwood Mac.
BEER TWO
With the argument turning to who was prettier: Pamela Anderson or Donna D'Erico, Bill and Jason started on the second beer. The hot talk about their favorite Baywatch babes led our lab technician to suggest the men take a look at the Playboy magazines we had provided. Although reluctant at first, the men were soon enjoying themselves and talking openly about how horny the magazines were making them.
BEER THREE
By the time our men were chug-a-lugging Beer Three, Jason began to notice that we had turned the air-conditioning off. Proclaiming that it was "too damn hot," Jason quickly lost his top.
BEER FOUR
By the fourth beer, Bill had shed his shirt as well. Things started to get frolicsome when Jason offered to cool Bill off with a little beer shampoo.
Bill had a little surprise retaliation of his own to cool the fun-loving Jason down!
The fun was really getting started when our men decided to crush the can with their bulging biceps!
"Where do you work out?" Jason asked Bill.
BEER FIVE
With just two beers left to go, Billy decided that beer #5 called for an arm wrestling match to settle who was the strongest once and for all.
The men were pretty drunk and sweaty at this point and the competition quickly became a true battle of the wills.
As the two hot, horny men continued to struggle Billy suddenly cried out, "Say Uncle, Say Uncle."
Jason retorted, "Fuck you!"
Billy suddenly was seized with the humor of the moment as the two men fell to the floor laughing.
"One more beer left, buddy."
BEER SIX
Bottoms up! Bill and Jason toast to their good fortune at being chosen for this experiment. When Bill said he wasn't going to finish his last beer, Jason decided to make him do it.
"Come on! Swallow it," cried Jason with delight as he forced Bill to take the last drops!
"Oh no you don't, get away from me you fag!" Bill squealed though the giggles. As he tried to escape, Jason grabbed his pants.
"Come back here! I've got a score to settle with you."
"Let's wrestle and see who comes out on top!"
The tables are turned on the triumphant Bill. "Just where do you think you are going, Mister?" Jason asks of his pal.
Both men at this point portend to be extremely drunk but having a really great time. "God, I'm so drunk I might try anything tonight," Bill explains.
"Oh yeah, hot shot," Jason taunts, "I'm no fag, but I know something we could try."
Our trained assistant explains that there is a bedroom nearby where the men could change back into their clothes.
After begging for just one shot of Jaegermeister, Bill agrees to change in the bedroom with Jason. The details from our hidden cameras lead us to believe there will be more than just changing clothes going on!
Ah ha! Just as we suspected! Our theory had been confirmed.
After six beers, these two "straights" had a wild three hours of torrid and passionate love making. These two details from our hidden cameras clearly demonstrate that it is true! The only difference between a gay and a straight man is six beers.
The following morning, we noticed something else very interesting...
Bill and Jason awoke and quickly dressed without speaking to one another. When we asked if anything had happened, Bill quickly responded: "No man! I just fell asleep." Jason concurred: "Shit man, I got so drunk off those six beers. I don't remember anything." With an awkward parting handshake, the two men were off. Our hidden cameras did catch them exchanging phone numbers in the parking lot, however.
So there you have it folks. Scientific proof that the only difference between an asshole and a dude who'll be your buddy is six beers.
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