Some people still seem to be hung up on the fact that some men enjoy having sex with their male teammates, roommates, buddies, and bros. Books have been written about it and more will follow taking different positions. The bottom line is that people are individuals and the day for labels is passed.
How the Prevalence of the 'Bro-Job' Explodes Our Definition of What It Means to Be Gay
Apparently, they called it a "bro-job,"
which referred to the oral sex the male rowers occasionally engaged in with one
another in the showers back in high school. Or at least that's what my friend
told me. Neither he nor any of the other guys on the team identified as gay, but
according to his reports, they would often hook up post-practice, but "like
bros, you know? Not in a gay way."
Every time we talked about it, we always
stalemated on the same issues. How can a guy hook up with another and still be
straight? Isn't the act of hooking up with and sexually desiring someone of the
same sex inherently gay?
Jane Ward may attempt to shed some light
on this in her up and coming book, Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White
Men. Crotch-deep in the world of "straight guy-on-guy action," Not Gay explores the ways in which straight men
engage in sexual activity with other straight men. According to the NYU Press
release, "Ward illustrates that sex between straight white men allows them to
leverage whiteness and masculinity to authenticate their heterosexuality in the
context of sex with men."
But controlling for race, can engaging
in homosexual sex really reaffirm a man's heterosexuality? Can being with
another man make him more straight? Or is it more like the "one-drop rule" --
one homosexual interaction and you are forever labeled gay? All of this begs and
points to the million-dollar question: Is it the act or the person that makes
someone gay or straight? And to this, I look to the split between "identity" and
"preference."
I believe that there is a distinct
difference between "gay" and "homosexual." By definition, homo- and
heterosexuality refer specifically to a person's sexual attraction or
preference. In other words, it merely relates to whether the individual prefers
or is attracted to partners of the same or opposite sex. Meanwhile, "gay" and
"straight" are identities or social categories, which can only fully be assigned
to an individual when self-proclaimed, either via declaration or coercion. Thus,
I believe that a person is not truly gay until "out," or in the worst-case
scenario, "out-ed."
Following this logic, I think that an
out gay man can have sex with a woman and still be seen as rightfully gay. While
the preference and act may be heterosexual, the individual identifies as gay,
and identity trumps act. However, as soon as the roles
are reversed, everything feels highly suspect. If a straight man has sex with a
man, how can he still be straight?
I posit that this suspicion comes from
the nature of the LGBT identity as self-selecting. Because sexual orientation is
unlike other forms of identity, which are typically seen as inscribed on the
body at birth -- race, gender, ability -- sexual orientation and identity can
only be known by the individual. You mark it yourself, ideally, if and when you
are ready to do so.
At the same time, we live in a
hegemonically heteronormative society. What this means is that "straight" is the
presumed default. So, while the gay man must internalize, come to terms with and
re-present his sexuality back out into the world, the straight man simply has to
be born. Everyone is straight until proven
guilty.
This puts straight people in a tenuous
position, as their sexual identities never have to be proven outside of the act
of sex. Which is why, I believe, straight men who hook up with other men are
regarded with such sexual suspicion. To the third party observer, these
identities have gone unchecked and unquestioned, and because of this, it is
unclear if these actions are part of the individual's preference and identity or
the beginning of a self-exploration process that may end in a gay
declarative.
So, to Ward's Not Gay point, I think straight men can engage in
homosexual sex and still be deemed socially acceptably straight, if and only if
they too come out -- as
straight. Rather than simply accepting their unmarked, default straight
identity, they should have to interrogate, work through, accept and ultimately
present their sexuality back out to the world.
Everyone should go through this process
of self-identification. Think about what you prefer. Why do you prefer it? Are
you OK with that? If the answer is yes, keep going. Keep questioning it. Keep
rethinking what it is that you like and how it changes. And if and when you're
ready to tell the world, do it, unabashed and unashamed.
I honestly believe that if everyone did
this, the world would be a more understanding place. Through the process of
sexual and preference based interrogation, people would realize that sexuality
is a fluid spectrum, with preferences ebbing and flowing through all forms of
attraction. And while identity may encompass specific subsets of these
spectrums, the mere act of questioning them individually would do away with much
of the long held beliefs, assumptions, and prejudices surrounding marriage,
partnership and equal rights.
So, bottom line: coming out shouldn't
just be for the gays. It should be for everyone -- a coming of age process that
all people are lucky enough to take part in. And if you do that and bro-jobs are
still your thing, by all means, proceed. No questions asked.
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