WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.
“It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.”
“But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.”
Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research.
“Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.”
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