After telling how he fell in love with another straight man, Mike Iamele heard countless stories of other people creating relationships that feel right to them.
—
Over the past few
weeks, since I wrote about my
experience as a straight
man who fell in love with another straight man, I’ve received (literally)
thousands of e-mails from readers who offered their perspectives, argued their
viewpoints, shared their own stories, smiled, laughed, and even
cried.
I never expected
such sincere outpouring of emotion and discussion from my own story. I’ve
received every question under the sun from how we made this work, to where we go
from here, to even if I’ve fully recovered from my sickness (which I have, thank
you, with the help of doctors, alternative medicine practitioners, dietary
changes, and herbs).
But, after hearing
countless stories just like my own, I’ve realized that my story is just one in a
very important discussion we all need to be having about the “new normal” in
love, sexuality, and identity.
We’re at a pivotal
point in history. Half of all marriages end in divorce, more
than 10 percent of the country
is finding love or sex through dating sites and apps, and almost half of the
states in the U.S. have legalized gay marriage. The traditional rules for
intimacy have fallen by the wayside. Without any rules to follow, people are
creating lives that feel right to them.
I’ve received
e-mails from gay men who fell in love with and married women. I’ve received
messages from same-sex couples who share romantic love but keep their
relationship open to pursue sex with opposite-sex partners. I’ve talked to
people in polyamorous relationships, long-distance relationships, sexless, open,
and every combination in between.
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Today’s normal is really just about happiness. It’s about creating
a life that feels right and honest and authentic to
you.
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Normal is a very
relative term, especially when it comes to relationships. And today’s normal is
really just about happiness. It’s about creating a life that feels right and
honest and authentic to you. It’s about creating your own rules for love because
you and your partner(s) have never existed before. There’s no example of how to
do this because you and your relationship are completely unique.
Labels are
absolutely useful for helping people feel connected, relatable, even understood.
But there comes a point where the label starts holding you back. And you have to
decide if you’re willing to take life in with each moment, or if you’re going to
stick so stubbornly to a decision you made about yourself and the way love is
supposed to be long ago.
Years ago, way
before Garrett and I ever started a romantic relationship, I remember he said
something about his current long-term relationship with a woman. He said, “You
say you wouldn’t do that now; but, when you love someone, you’re willing to try
almost anything for them. You’re wiling to find an expression of that love that
works for both people.”
Years later, I
smile at Garrett’s wisdom and openness. That’s really all it is. That’s really
all any of it is—a willingness to find an appropriate and comfortable way to
express love for that relationship. I won’t say it’s always easy. I won’t say
it’s always comfortable. For Garrett and I, it took well over a year before we
found an expression that felt right to us. We tried many different models until
we settled on something that worked.
In truth, our lives
are all made up of relationships—many different kinds of relationships. We have
family, friends, co-workers, romantic partners, sexual partners, lovers, and
maybe some combination of that mix. With every single relationship in your life,
you need to determine an appropriate and comfortable way to express that
love.
Do you call your
family once a week? Once a month?
Do you cross that
boundary and engage sexually with a coworker? How far is too far? How do you act
at work?
Do you commit to a
monogamous relationship? Are your needs being totally fulfilled by your
partner?
Do you try the
long-distance thing? At what point is it just too much?
Do you engage in
sex? If so, how soon? And what does sex mean to you?
We’re working
through these questions all the time. We’re negotiating what feels right to us.
And it’s really only the business of the two (or more) people in the
relationship to make it work.
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At the end of the day, love is love. And it’s not an incredibly
interesting thing.It’s an opportunity where you can be yourself
completely—without the fancy outfit or funny lines—and another person still
chooses you every time.
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Of course, we have
sexual preferences. Of course, we have our own predispositions. But if you want
to make something work badly enough, you really can make it work. It might take
time. It might take patience. It might even take moving outside your comfort
zone. But you can absolutely make it work if you’re willing to negotiate a level
of expression for love that feels right to you.
At the end of the
day, love is love. And it’s not an incredibly interesting thing. It’s more of a
Friday-night-in-front-of-the-couch thing. It’s more of a
lounging-around-in-sweatpants thing. It’s an opportunity where you can be
yourself completely—without the fancy outfit or funny lines—and another person
still chooses you every time.
If you’re lucky
enough to find that, throw the rules out the window. Throw the labels out the
window. Throw any boxes or containers or restrictions out the window. Because
you’ve got something special and unique and magical. You’re the only one who can
make the rules for your life.
And, uncomfortable
or not, that’s something worth fighting for.
***
Where
It All Began: I’m an
Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell in Love With My Best
Friend)
What
Mike Learned About Love: What
Love Is & What Love Isn’t
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