Being a man used to be all about having a pubic bush that, if set ablaze, would not only burn for weeks as helicopters circled it, but would make bearded men wandering deserts stop to talk to it. Having a thicket of hair coating your body from ankles to neck used to be something to be proud about. But now, things are quite the opposite. Nowadays, having a sheen of entangled testosterone follicles coating your body like a bear lying on top of you is looked upon as a turnoff. No longer can a man walk the streets and get complimented on his crushed velvet shirt, then say “what shirt?” And then all panties within a 2-mile radius drop. Now it’s all about being as smooth as a pimply-faced middle school loser, whose only sexual experience came in the form of a sexual encounter with a non-playable Elvin mage in a game of Dungeons and Dragons.
But don’t misunderstand me. Your old buddy Dr. McDicksplosion ain’t complaining. I’m just being wistful about the days when a man was a man, and a man’s penis looked like a worm squirming out of moist dirt. Yes, I too have jumped on the clean shaven bandwagon, because that’s what potential sexual partners are in to today. So if you want to jump on the hairless bandwagon as well, just follow my advice.
But don’t misunderstand me. Your old buddy Dr. McDicksplosion ain’t complaining. I’m just being wistful about the days when a man was a man, and a man’s penis looked like a worm squirming out of moist dirt. Yes, I too have jumped on the clean shaven bandwagon, because that’s what potential sexual partners are in to today. So if you want to jump on the hairless bandwagon as well, just follow my advice.
CHEST
It used to be that a man such as Sean Connery could walk on screen, take off his shirt, expose his sheen of chest beard, and then his hairs would flex their biceps and everyone in the room would get laid. If the original Mr. Bond were a young actor today, his chest would like a seal with abs.
To make your chest as smooth and virginal as something that is both smooth and virginal at the same time (like you in the future, after you make your chest smooth and virginal) you should first assess your current chest hair thickness. Is your chest hair more like a freshly mowed football field or a plastic container of alfalfa sprouts? It’s always good to compare your body to foods that are similar in structure, usage and overall shape. For instance, penises are sausages and arms are roasted red pepper hummus.
If you’re more of an alfalfa sprout guy, you may want to start off with a nice electric razor to chop down the trees before you scorch the earth. Of course, you can take that metaphor literally and just set your tits on fire, which would easily be a Break.com video that wins you some cash. But that falls in to the realm of manliness that teeters ever so gently on the edge of maniac.
Once you’ve got your long hairs chopped down, you should go at your chest with some shaving lather and a sharp blade. Be careful, though. I’ve seen too many men at my thrice annual McDicksplosion ManF*ckTacular Workshops lob off a nip as they hastily attempt to rid themselves of unsexiness. Also, my workshops seem to draw a large crowd of homosexuals confusing my speeches and demonstrations of manly man-ness with large entanglements of gay sex. I’ve been told it has something to do with the name of the workshop, but I don’t see it.
ARMS AND LEGS
Shaving your arms and legs is the thing of bitches. Sure, you can shave your chest to appease the potential sexual mates, but I draw the line at appendages. Hairy arms and hands and knuckles and knees and ankles are what connect us to our primitive primate ancestry. They are the mark of a man. When you see a man with smooth legs there is only one logical conclusion to be drawn from this: he thinks they compliment the new high heels.
DONG
Shaving down there can be a bit tricky. There’s all manner of stuff dangling around, flopping every which way, and gravity can be your worst enemy as you attempt to suspend some meat, only to have it slip, fall, and come in close contact with a sharp thing that can turn you in to a eunuch real quick. So treat your man-junk with care by stroking it lightly with your shaving implement of choice. I’m a little bit more advanced than you probably are, so I send to use blades with a bit more sharpness and with a mighty handle.
It also slices logs and debones rhinos. It’s also excellent for tomato chopping.
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