On Masturbation

A “Jack Kerouac” refers to beating off while On the Road. ~ Urban Dictionary

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen

It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best name for it... should it become a habit it quickly destroys both health and spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, and often ends in a lunatic asylum. ~ Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell [closeted gay man and founder of the Boy Scouts]

If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter. ~ George Carlin

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities. ~ Les Claypool

Masturbation is a democratic pleasure, practiced by rich and poor, young and old, married and single. ~ Mason Cooley

This is a rumor-filled society and if people want to sit around and talk about whom I've dated, then I'd say they have a lot of spare time and should consider other topics... or masturbation. ~ Johnny Depp

I was an altar boy, a spokesperson for the Virgin Mary, I was a choirboy but then at the age of 14 I discovered masturbation and all that went out the window. ~ Guillermo Del Toro

Maybe in the 90s or possibly in the next century people will look upon the 80s as the age of masturbation, when it was taken to the limit; that might be all that's going on right now in a big way. ~ Bob Dylan

We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie. ~ Joycelyn Elders

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. ~ Craig Ferguson

The profuse phallic symbolism of chess provides some fantasy gratification of the homosexual wish, particularly the desire for mutual masturbation. ~ Reuben Fine

And it’s not like I’ve never jacked off. I’m fifteen years old. Of course I do it. Any guy who says he doesn’t is lying. That would be like having the coolest video game ever and never playing it. No one’s that stupid. ~ Michael Thomas Ford

What I like about masturbation is that you don’t have to talk afterwards. ~ Milos Forman

The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well. ~ Sigmund Freud

I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor. She told me, There's no masturbation in the DC Universe. To which my reaction was, Well, that explains a lot about the DC Universe. ~ Neil Gaiman

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. ~ Dana Gould

Masturbation is the thinking man’s television. ~ Christopher Hampton

You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island. ~ Ron Jeremy

You just sit home and masturbate. The phone is going to ring soon, but you just can't wait.
Billy Joel

Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! ~ James Joyce

The palm of his hand was a dull red. Not a good sign. I jerk off left-handed, he thought, at least that’s something. ~ Stephen King, The Drawing of the Three

Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work. ~ Karl Kraus

http://mentalfloss.com/article/32042/corn-flakes-were-invented-part-anti-masturbation-crusade

Masturbation is good for the right arm. ~ Daron Malakian

I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don't jerk off because I'm horny. I'm sort of half-chick. It's like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself. ~ John Mayer

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again. ~ Dennis Miller

The piano bar is the gateway to the halls of masturbation.
Henry Miller

Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you're with, but you can leave when you want to. ~ Dudley Moore

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.~ Patrick Murray

Masturbating is no more sinful than praying or meditating. ~ Abhijit Naskar

There will be others, many others. You’ll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder what the point of all this is, and also why you didn’t feel that staple you just sent into your thigh. You usually do. You’ll wonder what your company even does. After six years, you have no idea what an information system is, do you? Maybe you should ask. Maybe that’s how this ends. You’ll imagine how poetic it would be to simply unmute yourself and say, Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system? Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You masturbate during it. And it’s beautiful. Masturbating, invisible within your three-walled fortress. Invisible… invisible… practically invisible. ~ Colin Nissan

Everyone thinks their whole life should be at least as much fun as masturbation. My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true - I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone new. ~ Roddy Piper

When I'm all alone and I'm by myself, little Peter keeps me company. ~ Red Peters

If masturbation is a crime then I should be on death row. ~ Jeremy Piven

Wrap the turkey up In aluminum foil My brother likes to masturbate With baby oil. ~ Adam Sandler

We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people. The same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish, about slavery, about dinner, about farming, about menstruation, about virginity, about masturbation. ~ Dan Savage

When I got Writer's Block, I masturbated. ~ Takako Shimura

There are some socks that shouldn't be washed by your mom. ~ Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

You are red-faced at my speaking the truth. Another weird aspect of the human psyche. A perfectly normal human activity has to be kept under wraps. People don’t wonder at a couple kissing and holding hands in public, even approve of cuddling and love-making on screen, but they get their hackles up the moment they find that a guy has been at it, the taboo, the easiest, most concise form of pleasure a man can enjoy. ~ Rajeev Singh

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation. ~ Jon Stewart

Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, Give me masturbation or give me death. Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion. In another place this experienced observer has said, There are times when I prefer it to sodomy. Robinson Crusoe says, I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art. Queen Elizabeth said, It is the bulwark of virginity. Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush. The immortal Franklin has said, Masturbation is the best policy. Michelangelo and all of the other old masters — old masters, I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction — have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse. Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time: None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise. ~ Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Novels, except as aids to masturbation, play no part in contemporary life. ~ Gore Vidal

Masturbation is not the happiest form of sexuality, but the most advisable for him who wants to be alone and think. The hypocrisy of the sages has been to conceal their timid onanism and call it celibacy. ~ Robert Anton Wilson

I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self service pump. ~ Al Yankovic

Saturday is . . .

He got off with a little help from his friends!

Guys can make up lots of excuses for jerking off together . . .

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/paul-mccartney-said-he-and-john-lennon-masturbated-together-with-friends_us_5b97e059e4b0cf7b0043fa94

Paul McCartney has given new meaning to “I get by with a little help from my friends.”

The music legend regaled writer Chris Heath in GQ with a story about how he, John Lennon and some of their friends masturbated together before the pair became world-famous members of the Beatles.

Discussing their early days, McCartney talked about how the group bonded. And it was, uh, fascinating. 

McCartney told Heath: “What it was was over at John’s house, and it was just a group of us. And instead of just getting roaring drunk and partying—I don’t even know if we were staying over or anything—we were all just in these chairs, and the lights were out, and somebody started masturbating, so we all did.”

Heath clarified that it was “about five of them: McCartney, Lennon, and maybe three of Lennon’s friends,” and added that each boy shouted out names that “would offer relevant inspiration.”

“We were just, ‘Brigitte Bardot!’ ‘Whoo!’” said McCartney. “and then everyone would thrash a bit more.”

When asked if the “ritual” took place more than once, McCartney said: “I think it was a one-off. Or maybe it was like a two-off. It wasn’t a big thing. But, you know, it was just the kind of thing you didn’t think much of. It was just a group.”

“Yeah, it’s quite raunchy when you think about it,” he acknowledged. “There’s so many things like that from when you’re a kid that you look back on and you’re, ‘Did we do that?’ But it was good harmless fun. It didn’t hurt anyone. Not even Brigitte Bardot.”

Heath also asked McCartney to explain Lennon’s complaint about “how sanitized the published accounts had been of what life was really like in the Beatles.”

Responding to a question about what really happened on the band’s tours and whether there were orgies, McCartney said:

“There weren’t really orgies, to my knowledge. There were sexual encounters of the celestial kind, and there were groupies. The nearest it got … See, this is my experience, because I’m just not into orgies. I don’t want anyone else there, personally. It ruins it! I would think—I’ve never actually done it. Didn’t appeal to me, the idea.”

He continued: “There was once when we were in Vegas where the tour guy, a fixer, said, ‘You’re going to Vegas, guys—you want a hooker?’ We were all, ‘Yeah!’ And I requested two. And I had them, and it was a wonderful experience. But that’s the closest I ever came to an orgy,” McCartney said.

“See, the thing is, in the next room I think the guys might have ordered something else off the menu. So that would figure if John was saying, yeah, it was all bacchanalian. I think John was a little more that way, because thinking back, I remember there was someone in a club that he’d met, and they’d gone back to the house because the wife fancied John, wanted to have sex with him, so that happened, and John discovered the husband was watching. That was called ‘kinky’ in those days.”

Read GQ’s full profile of McCartney here.

Didn't See This Coming (so to speak)

Scooter would tell you what I don't know about sports is on an epic scale. No idea who these dudes are, just thought how funny it was a big deal. Pics and video via the link . . .

https://deadspin.com/howard-eskin-is-very-upset-that-new-phillies-manager-ga-1820089781

Howard Eskin Is Very Upset That New Phillies Manager Gabe Kapler Masturbates

Dan McQuade | 11/02/17

The Phillies held a press conference today to introduce Gabe Kapler as the team’s new manager. It was Kapler’s first time speaking to the assembled Philadelphia media, and he got a good introduction into a major part of his new job.

The news of Kapler’s hiring had leaked earlier this week. The Philadelphia press spent the week analyzing Kapler based on whatever it could find. Both Philly.com and The 700 Level dove deep into Kapler’s old blog, kaplifestyle.com, where the man who spent 12 years in the majors posts his thoughts on everything from scotch to proper wing-eating technique. And both sites noted one particular post that Deadspin covered when it went up in 2014: Gabe Kapler thinks you should jerk off with coconut oil.

You’re moisturized and smelling tropical, your teeth are white and your face looks like you’ve just visited a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. The sun has set, and the moon is out. Perhaps you have a friend nearby, perhaps it’s just you by your lonesome…well, this is awkward. I’ve promised you authenticity, honesty and openness. Take this how you wish and I’ll spare you the step by step. Coconut oil is the world’s greatest lubricant. I can’t help where your mind goes with this. Once the ball leaves the bat, I can’t steer it.

Longtime Philadelphia sports talk radio and TV host Howard Eskin was having none of it. Some backstory: In 2007, Eskin went on TV and said Charlie Manuel was a bad manager, then challenged his managerial ability in a press conference. Manuel tried to fistfight Eskin, but thought better of it. Instead, he got his revenge by managing the Phillies to a World Series win and their greatest sustained period of success in the 135-year history of the club.

For some reason, Eskin is still allowed to comment on the Phillies’ managerial choices. And the day before the Phillies announced a new manager, Eskin got himself all ready by jerking a pair of tweets into existence:

When Eskin had gotten himself all excited, he exploded a question to Kapler and Phillies general manager Matt Klentak.

Yes, Howard Eskin asked if the Phillies considered not hiring Kapler as their manager because he once wrote a blog post saying coconut oil is good for jerking off. But Kapler has a good response that shows he might be able to survive as Phillies manager. Plus, it is heartwarming to see a man defend the #content he has created when called on it.

But I believe Klentak’s answer is best. Asked about his new manager’s blog where he gave masturbation tips, the general manager said that “there’s an element of risk and new behaviors and trying new things” and “boy, oh, boy, it’s gonna be fun” and “we are going to embrace a lot of his ideas.”

Did you hear that? All the Phillies are going to be masturbating with coconut oil next season. Pitchers and catchers report in 104 days!

Hot Shot of the Evening

All time fave jerking off in the car shot . . . FTL tighty-whities, old jeans, dusty jersey, hot as fuck dude, boner, cream . . . what more could anybody want!

V'day

Deep Breathing Exercise GIF of the Day

"The Interview" starring Zac Efron and James Franco

From 2014. Still funny.

https://youtu.be/-DuPCNSbnno

Hot Shot of the Evening

And that's it until a week from now . . . have fun!

Anybody have a better shot of this dude?

Classic BILF. Always a sucker for blonds!

Hot Shot of the Evening

In late, catch up tomorrow. 'Til then . . . BUSTED!

A poem about something we all like

From one of the best buddies . . .

Sleep is eluding me, I'm tossing around,
Feeling the need, the hunger, my hand moves down.
The skin connects, the feelings flow
Like ocean waves washing down through my toes.
With increasing speed the tension mounts,
The pressure builds, and then I shout
An ecstatic sound! I've reached the top!
My world goes black with shot after shot
Of waves of release! The happiness flows,
Arching my back, curling my toes.
I hurl into nothing, everything, together!
Reality creeps in, I open my eyes,
And looking around I surmise
The mess I've made indulging myself,

But that's why I keep a towel on the shelf!

Paul London

Image borrowed from:

http://alljackedupblog.blogspot.com/

Parody, right?!

http://bizstandardnews.com/2016/04/22/mormon-church-urges-utah-gov-limit-sales-of-vaseline-kleenex-to-stop-masturbation/

Mormon Church Urges Utah Gov. Limit Sales of Vaseline, Kleenex To Stop Masturbation

by H. Peter Johnson

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has declared war against masturbation, which they conclude is seriously harming the lives of young people. And they have decided to go after supplies that potential masturbators might need.

Bob Whitbread, LDS spokesperson, said the church is going to urge Utah Gov. Gary Herbert to impose limits on the sale of Vaseline and Kleenex.

“If a young man is buying large supplies of these items, it’s evident he has fallen prey to masturbation,” Whitbread said.

“The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal,” according to the church’s website.

Mormon-dominated Utah is known as one of the most conservative states in the union. Herbert recently signed a resolution labelling pornography a “public health crisis.” However, Utah is known to have the highest consumption of pornography in the country, according to a study by Harvard professor Benjamin Edelman.

Double Vision Pic of the Day

Don't See This Very Often

Cumming through my tight foreskin powered by XTube

Finally: A Wearable That Lets You Charge Your Gadgets by Jerking Off

http://gizmodo.com/finally-a-wearable-that-lets-you-charge-your-gadgets-b-1688232359

WANKBAND

Ashley Feinberg
Yesteray 1:40pm

We've all shaken a fitness tracker or two in our lives to beat the system. But now, Pornhub is making a wearable meant for just that—shaking. And beating. It's called the Wankband, and it lets you charge your gadgets by jacking off. It was only a matter of time.

According to Pornhub's (decidedly SFW) video, a small inner valve in the band sends a weight up and down with each loving, lonely stroke. The extra-special alone time bracelet stores that generated energy, which you can then use to juice up all the similarly special gadgets in your life.

Of course, the amount of power it generates is almost definitely not going to be enough to give anything a full charge. But with the right attitude, days to kill, and a lock on your mom's basement door, we're sure you can persevere.
The Wankband is still in development right now, but you can head over to Pornhub's (SFW) wearable landing page to sign up for your chance to get in on the beta round, which Pornhub tells us should start "in the coming months." Coming months, indeed. (I hate myself.) [Pornhub]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzjeAaLbM5k

What's He Using for Bait Pic of the Day

Zac Efron Chats with James Franco About Masturbation

Can't find the embed code so you'll have to click on the link . . . VERY funny!

http://www.eonline.com/news/599362/watch-zac-efron-chat-about-masturbation-with-james-franco-in-a-hilariously-raunchy-talk-show-spoof

Practice Interrupted Pic of the Day

Handy Facts About Male Masturbation (video)

From BuzzFeed. . .